Captain's Log, Star Date ... ...uhhh

These days my mad computer skillz are in high demand. I'm writing software for my old Neuroanatomy professor. I've been getting debugging emails from our friendly Finnish collaborators who are having some Java trouble. We're getting a new server at work. A friend of mine is getting blue-screens. Another friend wanted me to copy Buffy to an external HD for her. And the boy-toy of another friend of mine needs to rescue data from an alleged failed harddrive.

I'll do what I can when I can, folks. Take a number. Hehe.

I've recently realized that I enjoy the feeling of being needed. The irony is that when it gets inconvenient or too excessive, I feel put-out and imposed upon. And even more ironic is that when suddenly nobody needs me, I feel sad, lonely, and expendable. Like Rambo.

The trick is to find the healthy balance. In relationships past, I discovered that I did NOT strike a healthy balance. My guiding principle was that if you truly care about someone, you should give try to give them whatever they want. This is the road to ruin. By friends, best friends, and girlfriends, I was slowly taken advantage of and taken for granted, and summarily dismissed once my utility ran out. As I recall, the only girl that ever seemed to be OBSESSED with me is the one that I was rude towards so that she'd go away. Anytime someone wants to chime in with the explanation to that one, let me know.

I had a long talk with my friend Rob a little while ago about this. And even though he's quite a bit younger than I am, he figured out the secret of keeping the healthy balance long ago. So I'm trying to make it happen: my guiding principle in all things will be a healthy balance. Just because I CAN do something for someone doesn't mean I will.

In retrospect, even NOW, I have/had friends who I only see or hear from when they need something. It's not like my feelings are hurt. Like I said, feeling needed is a warm feeling, like I have purpose. Some of these people I miss seeing, so when the Bat-Signal goes up, I fall over myself to help them.

Eh. I can't deny that I'll leap at the chance to see a few, select persons if they ask me for help. There are a couple persons who, anytime I hear from them, the "Oh Goody!" light goes on in my brain. But beyond this fact, I no-kidding suspect that I just have issues saying NO to people. Not that I'm afraid to do so. It's not that I don't want to disappoint anyone. It's that when someone asks me for help, NO is not the first thing I think of: the first thing I do is start thinking of how I can go about getting it done, solving the problem, conquering the new exciting challenge.

I'm not like most guys like that, I guess. It's fairly masochistic. I just have to watch out that I don't spread myself too thin.

The more specific implication is that the next woman I get involved with is NOT going to be the center of my universe. Done that a few times. Not doing that again. Not going to be an asshole, but not going to White Knight it the whole time either. It's especially hard in a relationship. Probably because I feel like I should be doing MORE than what I'm doing to apologize for whatever it is that I'm doing wrong. Because I'm not evil, I'm just a little self-centered and oblivious at times.... ....translation: I can't read minds.

We'll just see. Dating will be casual if not non-existant for the duration of my stay here in Athens. Unless someone really special turns up, I do not expect to leave here with anyone except my little kitten.